


Barriss' Internal War

by GentlyMorbid



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Almost Self Harm, But at the same time..., Extreme angst, F/F, I hope not, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Unidentified Flying Object, You May Cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-23 18:19:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9670481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GentlyMorbid/pseuds/GentlyMorbid
Summary: Barriss Offee needs to sleep





	1. Mirialan, Postponed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mylordshesacactus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylordshesacactus/gifts), [Kablob](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kablob/gifts).



Barriss Offee let out a shuddering sigh, as she made her way into her quarters in the Jedi Temple. She had been dismissed from her duties in the med bay, as the Healers had ordered her to get some rest.

How could she rest, when people were injured, when they were dying, and she had the literal power to heal them?

Whilst her fellows were quick to point out the number of lives she had saved over the course of seven unrelenting hours, she could only remember the countless clones and civilians who had died, thrashing underneath her, their agonising pain felt throughout the Force.

The virus was unlike anything Barriss had ever seen. It was marvellous in its execution, she thought, but brutal in its methods.

She tore her mind away from that thought, sickened at how she almost admired the bioweapon. She calmed her breathing, and remembered what she had learnt and seen of it.

It was almost undetectable; a gaseous strain of the Blue Shadow Virus, which worked quicker than its cousin. But the effects were different and torturous; the cure almost depleted. It ravaged internal organs until they ruptured and burst, with such force that the victims’ skin would break and tear.

The med bays were covered in blood, which the cleaning droids were hard at work scouring. She and the other Jedi Healers wore full body containment suits as they worked, destroying the virus with the cure and Force powers alike.

As they made steady progress, Barriss had never once faltered, despite her resolve crumbling.

The new Master Healer, a female Theelin whose name Barriss had forgotten, had determined that the virus was almost eradicated from the surviving patients, but it would take another day or so to be sure that the area was completely sterile.

She had sent Barriss off, with a gentle reminder to rest and not to worry. She had helped perform miracles, she was told, and being a Padawan, she was not expected to shoulder any more of the burden. Barriss disagreed silently, but bowed solemnly and departed.

The Mirialan began to shed her clothing as she crumpled onto her bed, and shook with sobs. She couldn’t believe all the death surrounding her, yet she still felt tremors in the Force all around her.

How was she to sleep in such torment? She needed to quiet her mind and, over the past year, had found meditation to no longer help in achieving this purpose.

Of course, she could not afford to speak to her Master about this. No doubt Master Luminara would just restrict her from the Halls of Healing altogether, citing Barriss’ inability to handle the consequences of war and deem her vulnerable to distraction, which they could not afford.

Barriss herself gave an uncharacteristic scoff at the thought. She was needed as a Healer. She could not sit idly by while others struggled in her place.

But, if she could rise above the pain she felt through the Force, if she could silence it for a while, Barriss could do her job and help the suffering.

She made her way to a secret compartment in the wall next to her bed, and made sure her door was locked, before opening the electronic drawer with a touch of her finger.

As she gazed upon her silver instruments, she slid a hand down, as if to caress the gleaming objects. She removed the contents, before placing them in an orderly fashion on her bed.

First came the bacta patches, second came the bacta gel, third came the bandages, and fourth and finally, came the knives.

Barriss gazed upon her tools, looking almost impassioned, but her breathing began to quicken as she felt her need consume her. Her need to hurt, to bleed, to stop the toll of the war on her mind. This was the only way, she knew.

She would have to make sure she did enough, if she were to get any sleep tonight. She traced her knives lazily, choosing. Which one would she use tonight? Which blade would bleed her? Which knife would keep her company and bring her comfort at her most desperate hour.

Without warning, there was a chime at her door. Barriss whirled around frantically, fearful that someone would see her in such a state.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before replacing the knives and the first aid supplies into her secret compartment. She hurriedly dressed, and hurried to the door, fixing her hood as she did so.

As the door opened, her vision turned black as something impacted into Barriss, knocking the air out of her lungs before grabbing her in an unrelenting, crushing vice grip that, Barriss realised, had slowly started to squeeze.


	2. The Most Beautiful Sea Foam Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss is not alone anymore

As Barriss’ vision went dark and the air vanished from her lungs, she frantically summoned her lightsaber. It overshot her grip and flew, with a resounding WHACK, into her aggressor.

She heard her opponent squeal in fright, rather than pain, before a suspiciously familiar voice demanded, “Barriss, what the kriff was that for?!”

As her vision cleared, Barriss realised, belatedly, that she had just ruined an over enthusiastic hug. As she stepped back, she drank in the sight before her.

A perfectly shaped figure stood before her, adorned in a red combat suit, with flawless orange skin, two blue and white striped lekku and the most kissable mouth in the galaxy. Barriss swallowed hard before gazing into the most beautiful seafoam eyes she had ever beheld.

Ahsoka Tano stared at Barriss with one eyebrow raised, smirking while Barriss fought to regain her composure and retrieve her lightsaber. “Is this how Mirialans say “hello” now, or was that a special welcome for your girlfriend?”

Barriss all but hissed, “Ahsoka! Not so loud!”

Horrified at her own outburst, Barriss stuttered, “N-no, not a special welcome at all, A-Ahsoka, I apologise.” Barriss drew in a breath. “I was unaware of your arrival, and with the recent attack on the Temple…”

Ahsoka cut her off with a sheepish smile. “No problem. I get that. I might have gone a tiny little bit overboard,” she admitted, pausing to cringe as Barriss cocked her own eyebrow, “but my intentions were pure.”

With that statement, Barriss could see Ahsoka’s eyes scanning her body up and down. “I’m sure,” came the sardonic reply.

Ahsoka rolled her eyes, “Don’t get snippy with me, Barriss.”

They both groaned as they realised what she had said. Master Skywalker’s nickname for Ahsoka was a source of endless amusement for Barriss, and she never let Ahsoka live it down. In private, at least.

Barriss shook her head and gestured to her bed, remembering where she was and who she was with. “Hello, Ahsoka. Are you well?”

Ahsoka lay down on the bed with a soft sigh. “As well as can be expected. You know, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve been on a real bed. And not military-issue either.”

Barriss approached the bed, but did not sit, the memory of her despair coming back to her. “I am glad. I apologise for not coming to see you sooner, but I was needed in the med bays. I only just returned to my quarters half an hour before you arrived.”

Ahsoka positively beamed at her before asking excitedly, “Want to hear some good news?” Barriss nodded. Any good news would be desperately appreciated. “Skyguy and I are on leave until further notice.”

Barriss smiled. That was indeed good news. Most likely, after the recent viral incident, Barriss would be kept at the Temple in case they needed another Healer, so she wasn’t afraid of being sent out anytime soon.

Cautiously, Barriss lay down on Ahsoka’s left shoulder, as Ahsoka moved to accommodate her on the bed. Even after several months, she still wasn’t sure about this… relationship she had with her best friend. With her girlfriend, Barriss corrected herself silently.

Initially, she was against furthering the relationship, wary of breaking the Jedi Code; but Ahsoka had made her realise, after weeks of discussion, that this level of emotion and attachment were normal provided they did not become dependent on each other. That was what the Jedi Code really warned against. Obsession to the point of falling to the Dark Side.

Still, she had reservations. She had spoken to Ahsoka at length about them. About how the Council would find out and expel them. About how disappointed their Masters would be. About how they would never become Jedi Knights.

But Ahsoka had just reassured her repeatedly that what they were doing was normal. As far as they knew, the Jedi thought they were, as the crude term went, “friends with benefits”.

Which was more than they should know, Barriss thought, but the Jedi had stopped questioning their relationship, and that was enough.

Well, the Jedi Order never questioned them. It was their individual Masters. Barriss tensed at the memory of that day, when Master Luminara had approached her, insisting they venture into Coruscant proper for their dinner, and then gently confronted her.

It had turned out better than Barriss had expected, but it was still awkward, having to explain the situation to her Master and fill in the gaps of her knowledge. Ahsoka’s Master, on the other hand, practically high-fived her, or so Ahsoka claimed.

Apparently, the arrangement their Masters thought they had wasn’t exactly frowned upon, which did little to comfort Barriss but had encouraged Ahsoka to proceed in their relationship with gusto.

Barriss could always rely on Ahsoka to make her feel better. The thought brought a frown to her face when a sad realisation came to mind: she hadn’t even considered going to Ahsoka for help. Never mind that she had no idea when Ahsoka would be arriving back at the Temple, but Ahsoka hadn’t even crossed her mind.

Ahsoka noticed her expression change and tried to lighten the mood, “Hey, what’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’re sick of me already!”

Barriss smiled half-heartedly, “No, it isn’t you, Ahsoka. Believe me, I’m very happy to see you, it’s just…”

Ahsoka finished the sentence, “You’re worried about the virus. I know. But you did all you could.”

Barriss felt hands on her shoulders, fingertips moving slowly, massaging her. As she warmed to the ministrations of her girlfriend, she spoke softly, “Perhaps that is so. But I could be doing more, not languishing in the pain I feel. I could be saving more lives. But here I am feeling sorry for myself.”

Ahsoka shook her head and positioned herself to face Barriss, shoulder massage forgotten, “Barriss, you’ve done beyond what’s expected of a Padawan Healer. Hell, even a Master would have trouble doing what you do,” she smiled and gave Barriss a chaste kiss on her lips.

Barriss tingled with warmth and hope, her renewed feelings imparted by the kiss.

“Ahsoka, I-I’m sorry for moping. I know it’s incredibly selfish of me and I want to ask your forgiveness.”

Ahsoka smiled sadly at her. “Of course I forgive you, Barriss. There’s only so much even the best of us can take.”

She lifted Barriss’ chin so their eyes were level. “You are the best of us, Barriss. You are the best of the Jedi. If the galaxy was filled with beings like you,” Ahsoka closed her eyes as if imagining it, “it would be a galaxy worth living in.”

Ahsoka enveloped Barriss in a gentle hug, when she felt tears through the fabric on her shoulder.

Barriss wiped her tears after a few minutes, before kissing Ahsoka firmly, as if it would be the last time she would have the chance, “I-Ahsoka, I…” Taking yet another deep breath, she said unwaveringly, “I love you, Ahsoka. Thank you.”

Visibly surprised by Barriss’ forwardness, Ahsoka’s response was certain and sure, “I love you, too, Barriss." She got up, retrieving a blanket from the floor, placing it over Barriss’ prone figure tenderly. Barriss nuzzled into Ahsoka’s neck as she lay down, their breathing even.

Whatever Barriss’ worries, be it the war raging out there or the internal one in her mind, she knew she could survive them both when she had Ahsoka. That brought her the comfort she had so desperately sought after, and with a slight smile, she fell asleep, with her true love by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tell me what you all thought of it! Do I write these two well? What would you like to see next? 
> 
> Did I mention this was an AU? The Temple was bombed, but Barriss didn't do it! She mentions the attack on the temple, briefly.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure if the description of the virus' effects would count as "graphic violence" so I didn't put it in. Let me know if I should correct that.


End file.
